An Exercise in Empathy

Tomorrow I go play games with Grandpa.  The last visit was special to me because I learned something about three of my kids.  And what I learned gives me hope that they will develop into compassionate and caring adults.

I visited Grandpa twice in April.  Twice, because my fifteen-year-old daughter, Mack, requested the second visit.  She had enjoyed the previous time she got to play games with Grandpa and wanted to go again.  Since four of our seven kids had a day off from school during the week that we were “unplugged” I decided it would be a good time to let the kids visit Grandpa again.  Mack, Hoob, and Yawlin accompanied me to Grandpa’s house.  Shroom, my stepson, had already disappeared to a friend’s house, and since he doesn’t really know my Grandpa, I didn’t push the issue of having him join us.

Grandpa wasn’t feeling well when we arrived.  He joined us at the kitchen table for a game of Clue, but I could tell he wasn’t really into it.  Grandpa started to reminisce.  He got out his old year book and showed the kids all the pictures of himself.  He was on the football team and was captain of the track team; there was a picture of him throwing the javelin; he was in the chorus and a member of a men’s club called the D-Men.  He showed us Grandma’s picture and told us the story of when they met.

“I went to the Zenith Dance with another girl,” Grandpa said with a chuckle.  “While there, my date asked me if there was any other girl there that I wanted to dance with.  That was when I spotted your Grandma.  I pointed to her and said, ‘that one!'”

Grandpa says he never dated another girl but Grandma after that.

Grandpa moved on in his remembrances to telling us of his childhood friend, Delilah.  She was the only child his age that lived nearby so they did everything together.  She was like a sister to him.  She grew up, married, and moved to Arizona.  Later in life she contracted cancer and died. 

Grandpa’s facial expression changed.  There was a wistful, sad look in his eyes.  He told how Delilah’s husband brought her body back to Utah so Grandpa could conduct the funeral.  This brought more memories to mind.  Grandpa told of conducting the funeral of a little girl who had been killed by a horse.  He remembered several members of a family who had drowned as their car was washed away in a flash flood and another family that had lost five family members in a horrible car crash.

“Have you ever seen five caskets lined up in a row at one funeral?” Grandpa asked.

Then Grandpa moved on to a story I’ve heard him tell before.  Grandpa is sure Grandma hates him.  She wanted to die at home.  Grandpa’s kids talked him into leaving Grandma in the hospital where she could receive better care.  She died in the hospital.  To this day Grandpa swears that when he bent down to kiss Grandma good-bye in her casket before the start of her funeral he heard her snap, “Get away from me!”  He is positive Grandma doesn’t want to see him when he gets to the other side because he let her die in the hospital instead of at home.

The entire time Grandpa was talking I was watching him and noticing the facial expressions that matched the pain in his voice.  I wasn’t paying attention to my kids until I heard a loud sniffling.  I turned and saw eight-year-old Yawlin leaning forward on the kitchen table with tears streaming down his face.  He made no attempt to hide them.  I looked at Yawlin’s older sisters to see if they had noticed Yawlin crying.  Hoob had turned so her face couldn’t be seen, but I could see a lone tear hanging from her chin.  Mack was staring straight ahead with two tears trickling down her cheeks.

My sweet, wonderful children were touched by what they were hearing their “Grandpa Great” say.  They weren’t writing him off as some old geezer with stories to tell.  They were feeling what he was feeling.  I was glad that I had brought the kids along.  Yes, the stories were sad, and the kids talked about them for quite some time after the visit, but a stronger bond between the three of them and Grandpa was forged.  They are capable of compassion.  They can feel what others are feeling.  I will be forever grateful for the exercise in empathy my kids were provided that day. 

 

The Four “A’s” of Building Relationships

Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, and Affection.  These “A’s” will work in building any relationship.  Blended families, especially, need to pay attention to the relationships being built within the family unit.  The husband and wife have to build their relationship.  Biological parents need to continue a positive relationship with their children and step parents need to create a good relationship with step children.  Step siblings also need to develop a relationship that works.  Having found old notes from a class my husband and I took two years ago, and realizing I can still learn from them, I type them here as a reminder to myself about building positive relationships within my own blended family and to share with others who are also blending a family.  The notes can apply to any relationship being improved upon.  (For other notes I found on blending families please see blog post “Notes From the Past.”)

Attention:

*Spend time alone with the person you are building the relationship. 

*Share routines and activities such as doing chores together and participating in some of their interests.

*Listen.

*Plan special occasions.

*Notice the good things they do, the “jobs well done.”

*Ask specific questions about their day.

Acceptance:

*We all like to be treated with respect.  Remember that and treat others accordingly.

*Focus on the positive qualities each person has.

*Avoid all comparisons.

*Avoid the game of “Who’s right?”  Instead, focus on what works.

*Encourage an expression of feelings.  Example:  “Boy, you’re really mad at me, aren’t you?”

*Work to get to know the other person.

*Don’t try to change a person (adult or child) to try to fit into your image.

*Forgive.

Appreciation:

*Focus on the things going well.

*Use verbal statements to show appreciation.

*Let them overhear you praising them to someone else.

*Leave little notes of appreciation around.

*Focus on small steps, not necessarily big achievements.

*Let them know you have noticed good things they have done.  “I’ve noticed…”

*Return the favor.

Affection:

*Affection comes slowly in a step family.  Recognize that, and don’t push for more than the person is ready for.

*Go slow and stay within the child’s comfort zone.

*Enjoy your small successes and build on them.

*Use humor.

*Have goals to work toward as individuals and as a family.

*Use family meetings to clear the air.

*Get the entire family’s input on what the family rules will be.  Everyone can sign the rules.  Try them for 30 days and then tweak them as needed. 

*Speak verbally of the affection you feel.

The four A’s seem to go in a logical order.  If you pay attention to someone you will begin to have an acceptance for that person and the things that are important to them.  As you accept them and all of their quirks, you will develop an appreciation for them.  As you express that appreciation affection will grow.  The four A’s will then be reciprocated.  It is a win/win way of building relationships.

 

A Program for Grandparents

It was Grandparents Day for the 2nd graders today!  My son got to invite his grandparents to the school for lunch and a dancing, singing extravaganza.  Three of his four grandparents were able to make it.  And all three enjoyed themselves and commented about how well the day was organized and how well the kids performed.

The day began with the dancing portion of the program.  The second graders performed some square dances and line dances and then they waltzed with their grandparents.  If they happened to have more than one grandparent present, the waltz was played again so that all grandparents could participate.  Grandparents were asked to participate in the “Chicken dance” and the “Hokey Pokey” as well.  The second graders finished up by doing a rock-n-roll dance and the “Bunny Hop.”  

Following the dancing the kids and grandparents got to have lunch together in the lunchroom.  Pizza, an assortment of fruits and vegetables, and drinks were served.  While eating, the grandparents answered questions about their school days from a questionnaire the kids had prepared. 

Once lunch was over, it was time to head back to classrooms for an hour-long sharing time with the grandparents.  Any grandparents who desired could stand and tell the class what it was like for them when they were in the second grade.  One grandparent had grown up on a farm and usually came home and rode his horse for awhile before doing his chores.  Another had grown up in New York and told how she had to ride an elevator down several floors to get outside her building and head to school.  Several grandmas told how they had to wear a dress to school every day.  The hour went quickly and then it was time for the singing portion of the day.

The kids sang songs and performed skits showcasing the 1950’s.  There were humorous songs and patriotic songs.  A brief slideshow showing patriotic artwork by the kids ended the program.  Then of course there were hugs and congratulations on a job well done. The kids and grandparents got to spend a total of three hours together at the school today.  It was clear that they all enjoyed each other.

Why do I report this on my blog?  Because I have been focusing on connecting with extended family members this month and my son’s school provided an extra opportunity for him to do that.  What a great idea!  There is so much tearing families apart, it is nice to experience something that brings them together.  I will definitely be sending the second grade teachers a thank you letter for allowing my son this time to connect further with his grandparents.    

 

Games with Grandpa

“Notice my socks.”  Grandpa stuck out his right foot so I could see that his sock had been cut down to the ankle.  “I did that so I can scratch my leg better.”   Only one leg itched, so only one sock had been cut down.

The quirky sock comment is one of the main things that sticks out in my mind about my visit with my 86 year old grandfather in January.  The other thing that I remember most about that visit is how lonely Grandpa seemed to feel.  Grandma died 2 1/2 years ago after suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease for a few years.  Though he tries to go about his daily life by doing such things as working in his yard or visiting with family, Grandpa seems as though he’s only going through the motions.  He said several times during our visit how much he misses Grandma.

For Christmas I decided to give Grandpa the gift of time–my time.  I bought him a game of Skip-Bo, wrapped it up, and taped a note to the top of the package stating that I would be visiting him once a month to play games with him.  When he talked to my mom a little later about the gift I had given him he said, “She doesn’t have to do that.  And besides, I don’t know any games to play.”  But that is just Grandpa.  He doesn’t want to be a bother.

The first time I visited in January we never got around to playing any games.  He just talked.  And I listened.  I nodded.  I smiled.  Not only did I hear about his socks and how much he missed Grandma, I also heard the schedule of the t.v. shows he watches, how his dog, Nikita, protects him, and how he is sure he comes from Tower of Babel times, because he can no longer understand what people are saying in church (said with a wink and a chuckle).  I enjoyed the visit and left feeling excited for February’s visit.

In February I took advantage of the President’s Day holiday and took my kids with me since there was no school.  I want the four of them to connect with their “Grandpa Great.”  We pulled the kitchen table out and placed Uno Attack on it.  Grandpa eyed the game warily and asked, “What is that?  I’ve never seen that before.”

“It’s a game, Grandpa.  You’ll learn it.”

The first time the game spit a bunch of cards out Grandpa laughed hard.  When he caught on that it would happen randomly throughout the game he sat forward and watched intently whenever one of us had to press the button.  We played several hands, Grandpa playfully accusing anyone that won a hand of cheating.  “Hoob”, who was sitting next to Grandpa, got into the act and started dishing him out Draw cards whenever she got the chance.  Grandpa had a good time retaliating.  “Huh” had brought along her guy pal, “Brass.”  At one point in the game Grandpa looked at “Brass” and asked what was wrong with him since “Brass” couldn’t seem to win a hand.

Unfortunately, “Brass” had to be home early, so we were only able to play the game with Grandpa for an hour.  As we were walking out the door the kids all commented that they had had fun.  “Mack” even asked me a few days later when we could do it again.

Yesterday “Yawlin” got out of school early so I took him with me for the March visit.  This time we brought the game Sorry.  Again, Grandpa looked at the game warily and asked, “What is that?”

And again the answer, “It’s a game, Grandpa.  You’ll learn.”

My second cousin “A”, who lives in the back portion of Grandpa’s house, was there when we arrived so we invited him to play.  Grandpa quickly replaced the batteries in his hearing aids so that he could hear us better and we began the game.  “Yawlin” was quick to give Grandpa pointers and moved Grandpa’s pawns for him whenever they were too far away for Grandpa to reach.  “A” ended up winning the game.  But, since it had ended sooner than any of us wanted, we continued to play to see who would come in second.  “Yawlin” got that honor. 

Grandpa and I looked at each other and in unison said, “Who gets third?”  The game continued. 

Now “A” and “Yawlin” were totally against me and rooting for Grandpa to win.  It came down to both of us needing a One card to get our final pawn into Home.  Back and forth we went drawing cards, the boys cheering whenever I drew a card that I couldn’t use and groaning when Grandpa did the same.  When Grandpa finally drew the coveted One card the boys were ecstatic.  And so was Grandpa.  He thanked me several times for coming.

My Mom told me that whenever she tells Grandpa I’m on my way he always says, “She doesn’t have to come all year long.”  But then Mom says, “I think he secretly likes it.”  I do too.

I thanked “Yawlin” for coming with me yesterday.  He grinned and told me he’d had fun.  I think there might be a connection forming between “Yawlin” and Grandpa Great.  I look forward to the April visit.  Maybe we’ll be able to play the Skip-Bo game that I originally bought when I decided to give time to Grandpa.

 

Take Care of Yourself

It is advice we hear often as parents, “Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of your family.”  I have always viewed the advice as permission to have some “me” time–soaking in a tub, reading a good book, going for a walk.  Today I realized there is more to the advice than just saving my sanity.  It is imperative that we take care of ourselves physically so that we will be healthy enough to take care of our loved ones.

Today I had a stark reminder about the importance of taking care of myself physically.  I finally got around to visiting a dermatologist to have a head-to-toe skin check.  Visiting a dermatologist has been one of those nagging items on my to-do list for quite some time, an item that kept getting moved to “another day.”  The reason for my visit was a dry patch of skin just above my upper lip.  I learned, to my surprise, that the patch was made up of actinic keratoses which are pre-cancerous cells that are considered the earliest stage in the development of skin cancer.  There was also a patch of the pre-cancerous cells just under my collar bone that I hadn’t even noticed. 

The treatment was simple.  Each spot was sprayed with liquid nitrogen, effectively freezing the cells.  I now have an unsightly red swelling above my lip and a blister under my collar bone, both of which may last up to eight weeks.  Though actinic keratoses are not considered serious, finding them has served as a reminder for me to have regular check-ups with my doctors.  My dad had to have malignant melanoma removed from his nose a year ago.  I am grateful I discovered my less serious cells early.  Hopefully I won’t ever have to go through what my dad did.  Skin cancer can be prevented.  Wearing appropriate clothing and sunscreen while outdoors is the best way to prevent it.  I am certainly going to set a better example for my family now.  I’m sure the kids will start calling me the “sunscreen Nazi” but it is too important to ignore.  Being vigilant with our health is one of the best things we can do for those we care about.  If we remain healthy we can take care of them.

 

Family Birthday Rituals

There is vinyl lettering on our front door proclaiming that “Huh” is now 17 but still “car-less” (she keeps hinting that she could really use a car).  Back in January the door letters advertised that I had reached the ripe old age of 40 and so all visitors should be quiet around the “nearly dead.”  Thanks to my husband, and his latest hobby, vinyl stickers on the front door are our newest family tradition for birthdays.  It is a tradition the neighbors like witnessing.  I love celebrating birthdays, so over the years our family has developed several rituals that we use to celebrate.  Since birthdays have continued to be on my mind since my last post I have decided to share some of the ways we celebrate birthdays in our family.

One easy way of singling out the birthday child is reassigning their chores to their siblings.  They enjoy taking it easy and watching while their siblings (and sometimes parents) wash the dishes, take out the trash, or clean up dog doo in the yard for the day.  I also take my kids to lunch for their birthday.  If their birthday happens to fall on a school day I check them out of school during the lunch period.  They get to choose the restaurant and we usually end up getting back to school slightly late.  They have never complained about being tardy.  I take full advantage of the one-on-one time by asking them all about school, their friends, and whatever else comes to mind.

For the other two meals of the day the birthday child gets to choose the menu and I fix it.  For breakfast we’ve had everything from fruit crepes, to oatmeal, to breakfast burritos.  One child even requested their favorite cold cereal.  Dinner requests tend to be Italian in nature, pizza or spaghetti or lasagna, although once we had submarine sandwiches and another time we had shepherd’s pie.

As far as gifts go, we set a limit on cost and allow the birthday child to ask for gifts within that amount.  The siblings all shop at the local dollar store and choose one gift that they think fits the birthday child. We parents also get something from the dollar store in addition to the regular gifts we’ve purchased.  On the evening of the birthday celebration we all gather in the family room to present our gifts one at a time.  It has been amazing and sometimes hilarious to see how creative the kids can be in their purchases.  Once, one of the football players in the family received foot odor spray to use in his very ripe cleats.  I believe he received deodorant at the same time from someone else.  Fortunately he’s a good sport.

Of course we always have the traditional birthday cake with candles and we sing “Happy Birthday” in the worst voices possible.  Sometimes I am able to talk one of the kids into baking the cake for the birthday child.  One cake ended up with every candy sprinkle we had in the house.  The six year old baker was quite proud of his creation.  Birthday rituals, however simple, can add some fun to birthdays and can help the one whose life is being celebrated feel special.  Some traditions can begin quite unintentionally, such as our latest vinyl letter tradition, but the unintentional traditions are sometimes the most enjoyable.  All of the kids are now wondering what the front door is going to proclaim on their birthday.

NOTE:  For more birthday ideas please see the page “Nifty Notions.”

 

Birthdays Out of Control

There was actually a father who spent 10 million dollars on his 13-year-old daughter’s birthday party.  That is an extreme case, but it does seem as though parents today are under pressure to outdo each other on birthday celebrations for their kids, or to at least succumb to some unrealistic standard of birthday celebration set by others.  These types of parties can create stress on the family budget as well as time stress.

I recently learned of a website that seeks to bring awareness to this problem.  I’ve added “Birthdays Without Pressure” to my favorite links on this blog.  The site is maintained by a group of parents and professionals in the St. Paul, Minnesota area.  Their desire is to get people discussing the problem and then, hopefully, bringing about change by offering alternatives to expensive and time consuming birthday parties.  Parents allowing birthdays to be out of control is really only a symptom of a much bigger problem, that of overindulgent parents and the sense of entitlement it develops in their children.  With entitlement, children may begin to believe that money and the things it can buy mean happiness and love and that it is the responsibility of the parents to provide bigger and splashier parties or gifts.  It is a problem that needs to be addressed on many levels, but providing sensible birthday parties can certainly be a start.

The “Birthdays Without Pressure” website asks the questions:  What is out of control?  Why have birthday parties gotten out of control?  What are the consequences?  And what can parents do?  The site also shares real life examples of overindulgent birthday parties.  There is a place on the site where others can share stories about out of control birthday parties they have witnessed.  More importantly, there are ideas listed to help people create their own sensible birthday celebrations.  There are also ideas on how to keep gifts from getting out of control and still other ideas for family birthday rituals.  Though I’ve never heard of a 10 million dollar birthday party happening in my area, I have been aware of some parents who felt frustrated and even a little angry when some of their young guests expressed dissatisfaction at the type of party being offered.  I think it is a topic well worth exploring.

 

Adding to the Emotional Bank Account

I’m the only adult in a house full of teenage girls tonight.  How did I get myself into this predicament?  Two months ago hosting a slumber party for my daughter’s high school softball team was not the plan for “Leap Day.”  We were supposed to be going as a family to our condo in Moab, Utah for the weekend.  We planned the weekend two months ago.  Unfortunately, in our planning, Hub and I forgot that it would be the beginning of softball season–and required practices and softball activities for “Huh”.  Sure enough, there is a softball field “clean-up” scheduled for Saturday morning.  My daughter has to attend.  She is also scheduled to work. 

When it became clear that “Huh” wouldn’t be able to go to Moab I figured she could just stay at her father’s place for the weekend.  Then “Hoob” announced that she didn’t want to miss dance class on Saturday and “Mack” said she’d rather stay home as well (heaven forbid she miss some social event).  “Yawlin” was never even aware there was a vote.  I simply decided that our blended family wouldn’t be quite so “blended” for the weekend.  Hub took his three kids (and one friend) to Moab while my four kids and I stayed home.

Of course the girls quickly made plans for tonight.  “Hoob” is at a birthday sleepover down the street; “Mack” had dinner with friends and then went to one of the friend’s houses for a sleepover; and “Huh” informed me that the softball team had decided to have a sleepover together before having to get up and clean the field, and our house had been nominated (if that was okay with me).

My activities of the night have consisted of the following:  I picked up “Mack” and friends after their dinner to take them to the sleepover house and then waited patiently while one of the girls used my crossing guard stop sign to stop traffic in the parking lot of Zupa’s.  I located snacks for the softball girls.  After “Hoob” and her friends showed up at our house from their birthday sleepover (why??!?) I shooed them back to the right house after the mom of the house called looking for them.  I drove again to pick up “Mack” so that she could pick up some things she “absolutely needed” for her sleepover, and then drove her back to the sleepover.  And, during a lull, I shared a quiet dinner of tacquitos with “Yawlin” in the kitchen.

Tomorrow I’m sure I am going to be tired (“Rock Band” is going to have to be turned down once I go to bed), but I don’t mind doing these things for my kids.  This little bit of control that they received this weekend was not an inconvenience for me and it became a deposit into their “emotional bank account.”  If I ever have to make a “withdrawal” in the future I will be able to say, “Haven’t I let you do alot of fun things with your friends?  Well, this time I have to say no.  Thanks for understanding.”   I think they will understand during the times I have to say no.  

 

Learning and Adapting

Last night our dishwasher let out a screech and stopped working.  My husband tried everything he knew to get it running, but finally declared the appliance deceased.  We did what any super busy family would do.  We went to bed.

This morning I had to face the ribs and potatoes dishes from last night and the cookie sheets from our cinnamon crescent roll breakfast.  A part of me felt like complaining at the additional time it would take  to get the dishes done.  But, I knew complaining would get me absolutely nothing, so I bit my tongue and, instead, rolled up my sleeves and began filling the kitchen sink with hot water and dish soap.        

Doing the dishes by hand brought back many memories.  I grew up in a family of eight children that did not own a dishwasher.  Our large family created many dirty dishes at mealtimes and we each had to take our turn washing the dishes by hand.  As a teenager I developed a system that I thought very efficient.   First, let all utensils soak in the sudsy water as the sink fills, then wash dishes in this order: utensils, glasses, plates, bowls, mixing bowls, and finally pans.  I used to tell my siblings my order was best.  I think they all ignored me and developed their own system for doing the dishes.

I was pleasantly surprised  to see that I remembered my system today as I washed the dishes.  Since we have become so dependent on our dishwasher we don’t own a dish rack to let dishes air dry.  I solved the problem by placing the wet dishes inside the dishwasher and I made sure to share my problem solving ability with my husband.  I don’t think he was as proud of me as I was.

Trying to remain positive in spite of my morning routine being derailed by a bunch of dirty dishes, I started to think of what our family could learn from the death of our well-used appliance.  This is the perfect opportunity to let the kids hear how grateful I am that we have an emergency savings account.  We will not have to go into debt to buy a new dishwasher.  We will be able to pay for one in cash.  And, as a little plug for myself, I think I’ll let the kids know that most of the money in our emergency savings account has come from what I earn as a substitute teacher and as a crossing guard.  Perhaps they won’t tease me as much about doing my crossings if they know that my doing so has prevented them from having to do dishes by hand for the rest of the time they live under our roof.

Finding the time to buy a new dishwasher is going to be the real challenge.  Some, maybe even all, of the children will get a chance to do dishes by hand before we find the time to shop.  Yes!  Will they appreciate modern conveniences more?  Probably so.  Will they still take modern conveniences for granted?  Maybe not for a little while.  Will they learn that sometimes circumstances require adapting and problem solving?  I truly hope so!

“Huh” is the poor unfortunate soul who gets to experience adapting and problem solving first.  She is assigned evening dish duty for the week.  I may not tell her that I let the dishes air dry in the dead dishwasher.  I think I want to see how she solves the problem herself.  One thing for sure, we are all going to hear her loudly ask, “why do these things always happen to me?”  And her siblings and step-siblings are all going to be secretly glad that it wasn’t their turn for dishes.